“The day I changed was the day I quit trying to fit into a world that never really fit me” – JM Storm
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I have spent my life needing approval. Never feeling good enough. Stacking anxiety upon built-up anxiety to the point where I can not carry anymore and something has to give. I guess struggling to fit in somewhere, anywhere that understood me.
I am not really sure what gave because I don’t care anymore! I changed!
I wish I could pinpoint that day so that I could relate my feelings to the quote. Yanno ‘that day’ where I gave up worrying about what folk thought about me. I can definitely tell you it wasn’t my teens and it wasn’t my early 20s either. So I guess it was sometime in the 6 to 7 years ago, which was right about the same time I found here and being online and I do think they are connected.
I know we live in a world where folks are constantly trying to kill off anonymous profiles but having a platform where I could truly be 100% me was liberating AF. It is liberating! It was stepping into a crowded room, completely naked and letting the audience see through me! Being LSB isn’t without its downfalls, it is hard balancing the scales of a hidden life and let’s face it you all see how many toys and lingerie I own, it takes skilllllzzzzz keeping that all under wraps! The biggest thing for me is actually having to hold back some of what I share – sometimes something wonderful has happened and I want to share my joy or something horrible and I need a hug – either way, it can be hard to stay stump and say nothing!
The whole point of this post was to tell you all I don’t care anymore what people think and I don’t but that statement isn’t entirely true because I do care. The thing is if you matter to me, I care. Your opinion, your feelings, and your thoughts do in fact matter to me. I have learned to be able to filter the good with the bad and I actively try to hold onto the good stuff. Yeah, there will be days will toxic shite seeps in and it gets to me. Mostly my brain being an arsehole but overall, I am happy to be me, and if I fit with you then good <3 But if I don’t then yanno that’s ok too. I am one of those weird odd shapes that can’t be slotted into one of those kids puzzle blocks and I have made my peace with that.
I have spent many years changing who I am to please others. I am done doing that. I am me.