It is Pride month and my feed is full to the brim of folks speaking about what pride means to them and how their sexuality came about. So I decided to tell you all about my sexuality and how it has ebbed and flowed throughout the years. I believe sexuality is fluid, constantly changing, and evolving. I know mine has certainly changed and evolved. After years and years as identifying as bisexual, I no longer feel that term is most suited to me. However, while I think that pan is, I equally wonder if it is… Let me explain and maybe if I am still going around in the same circle by the end of the post, maybe then you could help me. 🙂
Growing up, I have always known my mum was different. I am nearly 100% certain she is a closet bi. I know she has been with women throughout my childhood. Pretty certain that my dad didn’t know but her sex life isn’t really for me to go nitpicking through. So in all honesty so knows I am not straight – I have never had to hide who I am with her. However, I do have relations that are heavily homophobic and that is their issue to deal with. I will be me and me is someone who is constantly inforcing that love conquers all regardless who you love or bring to bed. I am raising my children with the same attitude and have sat them all down young and explained sexuality to them.
I have known a very long time I was into women as well as men. I have memories of being 11 or 12 and looking at the underwear section of online clothing catalogues and jacking off to those images. When I was a teen I spent a lot of time at my granny’s house. This had many benefits but one of my favourites was she had satellite tv. While scrolling through the channels one night I happened to come across the Hanky Panky sex show. I am not sure if you are familiar with it, damn I am not even sure now if that is the name because google can’t find anything (please comment if you know what I mean) but I do remember being utterly entranced by the women on the screen. Sexcetra took its place when Hanky Panky was no longer shown.
Fast forward another few years, I used to babysit for this woman. I was about 14/15 at the time and when the kids were settled in bed and asleep, I flicked through the Babestation channels because, at the time, I wasn’t lucky enough to have Sky channels at home. Again, I lapped up, ha wishful thinking ;), all those beautiful women on the screen.
When I was 16/17 or so, myself and my best friend at the time would frequent the local nightclubs, and more often than not we would end up getting off with each other at the end of the night. We might have kissed someone in the club or maybe not, the nights we didn’t, we kissed each other instead.
I haven’t ever had a relationship with a woman nor have I had anything other than a fumble about. We did have fun together but never fully got nude and had actual sex. I guess it really depends on how you define sex though because some of what we did could be classed that way. Anyway, I ended up having kids and the gay part of my heart was put to one side until I met my husband and I have been in a monogamous relationship with a straight cis man since. Some might think that makes me less pan or bi or whatever I am, but believe me when I say this – I am anything but straight.
I was reading Floss’s post and she mentioned Amy from Coffee and Kink asking about coming out tweet and I actually did reply to that. I have never hidden who I am from my OH. He gets 110% of me and always has. Therefore we actually have never had the whole coming out talk. We were out one night with the friend I mentioned above and all headed back to my husband’s place. Me on one leg and my friend on the other, we started getting off together while my OH watched. So I think that might have helped him form his opinions on me!
As I have gotten older though, my sexuality has definitely moved. I identify more as pansexual rather than bi now. I actually can’t pinpoint when, how or why I suddenly realised this. It is very fair to say that I am femme leaning and by that I mean I find women attractive, more androgynous types but all women. I equally find folks who identify as a woman or as femme attractive too. I don’t have a preference when it comes to trans folks 0 I am equally attracted to both trans men and women. So no wonder I question my sexuality
So am I? Bi or Pan or Queer?
I am not really sure, to be honest. I know I fit under the queer umbrella yet I don’t use that word and I doubt I ever will. I feel like queer, for me personally and I do know I am 100% wrong with this statement, but it just doesn’t fit. I feel because I am not currently practicing I can’t claim that word for me. I know I’ll get there at some point and fully accept that word but right now, that is a demon I have to deal with.
So back to my original question? Am I bi or am I Pan? I am interested to read thoughts on what folks think because it may help me figure out which I am. To be honest, it really doesn’t matter fully what I am or what label suits me because I am not a fan of labels anyway and I am far too loud to fit quietly in a box!
Still though – I am curious? Which do you think I am? Writing this post has given me a lot of thoughts about my sexuality and moving forward with that – saying that, 2020 and the shit storm we are living in right now has too… Expect another post.