Memes

Back in time

posted by LSB March 1, 2020 7 Comments

There are a lot of content warnings for this post:

Physical violence towards a minor (not sexual); rape; death of a parent 

Please do not continue reading this post if any of these topics are distressing to you!

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People always say they would love to go back in time, well most people do, I can’t say or speak for all. I think I did. Perhaps parts of me still do.

Would things be different now? Do I really want them to be different?

I think I would like to tell younger me, think under 10 ish, that life gets better. You will shed less tears. No one will hit anymore, life shouldn’t be this way. You will find someone who loves you really. Who wants to protect you. Someone who doesn’t want to hurt you. Someone who genuinely cares about you. That such things in life exist, you just got to be patient and hang in there, you’ll find this in your 20s. I guess hearing that back then might have been easier.

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I did overall enjoy my teens I guess, there are certain parts of it that were just outright horrible but once I learned to stand up for myself, I didn’t get bullied and life became easier. I got a job and pretty much supported myself from age 13 – gone were the shitty clothes and I dressed how I wanted to. That was a big help. I think teenage me would like to hear the words younger me heard too. That not all teenage boys are arseholes. Teenage me lost my virginity in not a nice way. I won’t say raped because I put myself in the situation I was in. I drank too much, I should have gone home. But equally, I never said yes. Teenage me took many years to get over that. Most would categorize it as rape and while it is technically, I have dealt with it in a way where it is not.

back in time

Teenage me would have like to have known the man you dreamt about – he actually exists. You end up marrying him. Yeah, I know that sounds like such an odd statement but it is true. I dreamt of my OH as a teen, several times in fact. Not his exact face, but his eye colour, his accent and his skin tone. But at the same time, I am glad I didn’t know I would find him. The steps I took led me to him and I am 100% certain if I didn’t take them, we wouldn’t be where we are now.

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I think where I would most like to go back in time to is to see my dad in happier times. Before he met my mum. Before she destroyed him. And then to see if she ever made him happy. I guess she must have at one point, I wouldn’t be here otherwise.

I would like to say sorry to him. Sorry for not listening when he told me off. Sorry for being a bratty teen. Sorry I couldn’t save him. Oh god, typing that made me cry. For months after he died, I had a recurring dream. Dad would tell me he is ill and asks me to save him because he didn’t want to die. The worst part is I dreamt he was going to get sick, way before he was even diagnosed. I blame myself for not nagging him to go to the doctor before he did. Maybe if he went, maybe he would still be here?

Perhaps the past is better left in the past. Maybe it is better close the doors and not revisit.

For me, writing this post, there are so many factors in here that could cause me pain, cause me anger. They don’t. The only one really is my dad. That is still quite fresh. He isn’t gone that long and while he was part of the abuse I suffered as a child I most definitely don’t blame him.

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My OH changed my life. He found me kinda broken and he healed me. Honestly, more than he will ever know. He isn’t just my husband, he is my best friend.

So no, personally for me, I don’t think I really would go back in time and change it. I am a strong, resilient woman today and I don’t think I would be without the scars I have earned.

 

lsb

 

 

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7 Comments

LSB March 1, 2020 at 11:11 am

Oh sorry! That wasn’t the intention of the post. Words just kinda came out for this one.

Really? That makes me feel less weird. People always look at me strangely when I tell them – but I did and it comforting to know someone else did too. x

Reply
LSB March 1, 2020 at 12:56 pm

And that is so true! All my thoughts are to a positive future. I am very lucky in having someone who really actually gets me and knows when to help steer me in a better direction x

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Floss March 2, 2020 at 6:51 am

Like May I also shed a tear when I read this, and I don’t think that’s a bad thing, we’re a soppy bunch a lot of the time and it gets us in the feels when a fellow blogger shares something from the heart, which this clearly is. I am so pleased you decided to share this with us, I think your strength of character shines through and there is a thread of positivity that runs through your whole post even though much of what you discuss is something I wish no one had to go through.

As for dreaming about your OH, I haven’t had that with a partner, but I did have it with my small human. I knew 100% he was a boy because I dreamt of him exactly as he came to me from the minute I got that positive test. Even down to the fact he was super chunky despite my compact bump, everyone else was saying he wouldn’t even be over 7 pounds and I knew he’d be waaaay chunkier because I’d already seen him. I can’t explain those experiences of dreams, but I do believe they happen x

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Julie March 2, 2020 at 7:03 pm

Thank you for sharing these insights into your younger life and how you have been able to move on. I especially love that you dreamt of your OH. The love you share shines from you, both here and in person xx

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LSB March 2, 2020 at 7:24 pm

Awwwh that really made me smile <3 Thank you! The feeling is very much mutualwhen it comes to you and your OH… We are lucky, Julie – we got good ones Xx

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Queen’s Hubby March 3, 2020 at 4:16 am

Wow. Just wow. How mature, honest and transparent. Thanks for sharing. So glad to see you’ve gone through that and arrived where you have.

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LSB March 6, 2020 at 1:19 pm

<3 Xx

Reply

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