There are a lot of content warnings for this post:
Physical violence towards a minor (not sexual); rape; death of a parent
Please do not continue reading this post if any of these topics are distressing to you!
People always say they would love to go back in time, well most people do, I can’t say or speak for all. I think I did. Perhaps parts of me still do.
Would things be different now? Do I really want them to be different?
I think I would like to tell younger me, think under 10 ish, that life gets better. You will shed less tears. No one will hit anymore, life shouldn’t be this way. You will find someone who loves you really. Who wants to protect you. Someone who doesn’t want to hurt you. Someone who genuinely cares about you. That such things in life exist, you just got to be patient and hang in there, you’ll find this in your 20s. I guess hearing that back then might have been easier.
I did overall enjoy my teens I guess, there are certain parts of it that were just outright horrible but once I learned to stand up for myself, I didn’t get bullied and life became easier. I got a job and pretty much supported myself from age 13 – gone were the shitty clothes and I dressed how I wanted to. That was a big help. I think teenage me would like to hear the words younger me heard too. That not all teenage boys are arseholes. Teenage me lost my virginity in not a nice way. I won’t say raped because I put myself in the situation I was in. I drank too much, I should have gone home. But equally, I never said yes. Teenage me took many years to get over that. Most would categorize it as rape and while it is technically, I have dealt with it in a way where it is not.
Teenage me would have like to have known the man you dreamt about – he actually exists. You end up marrying him. Yeah, I know that sounds like such an odd statement but it is true. I dreamt of my OH as a teen, several times in fact. Not his exact face, but his eye colour, his accent and his skin tone. But at the same time, I am glad I didn’t know I would find him. The steps I took led me to him and I am 100% certain if I didn’t take them, we wouldn’t be where we are now.
I think where I would most like to go back in time to is to see my dad in happier times. Before he met my mum. Before she destroyed him. And then to see if she ever made him happy. I guess she must have at one point, I wouldn’t be here otherwise.
I would like to say sorry to him. Sorry for not listening when he told me off. Sorry for being a bratty teen. Sorry I couldn’t save him. Oh god, typing that made me cry. For months after he died, I had a recurring dream. Dad would tell me he is ill and asks me to save him because he didn’t want to die. The worst part is I dreamt he was going to get sick, way before he was even diagnosed. I blame myself for not nagging him to go to the doctor before he did. Maybe if he went, maybe he would still be here?
Perhaps the past is better left in the past. Maybe it is better close the doors and not revisit.
For me, writing this post, there are so many factors in here that could cause me pain, cause me anger. They don’t. The only one really is my dad. That is still quite fresh. He isn’t gone that long and while he was part of the abuse I suffered as a child I most definitely don’t blame him.
My OH changed my life. He found me kinda broken and he healed me. Honestly, more than he will ever know. He isn’t just my husband, he is my best friend.
So no, personally for me, I don’t think I really would go back in time and change it. I am a strong, resilient woman today and I don’t think I would be without the scars I have earned.