Memes

BDSM Diaries: My link between Intimacy and Pain

posted by LSB January 12, 2020 2 Comments

I really wanted to link up my thoughts on Intimacy this week for Food4Thought as it is something quite important to me. While strolling through Twitter, I spotted the current topic for the Tell me about meme is pain and my brain started off spiralling down the rabbit hole so here we are.

My link between Intimacy and Pain

I enjoy pain, I equally enjoy intimacy. When the two interlock, I am pretty much as happy as a pig in shit. But it is also very accurate to say intimacy causes me pain. Not exactly physical pain, but I am using my own twist on prompt. I read Molly’s post about intimacy and felt myself nodding in agreeance at the whole damn post because I could have easily written those words myself. I grew up in similar circumstances, in a house where affection was never shown and it is fair to say I believe I am a big ball of needy squish as a result.

I have spent quite a lot of time being angry at myself for being this way. It is quite frustrating when you are with someone who isn’t. My husband would most definitely not be like me, yet he has evolved himself over time to be able to cope, I guess is the correct word to use, with how affectionate I am. I still get on his wick though – I know I do. I seem to pick the most awkward and inappropriate times to touch him. No, you pervs, I don’t mean that kind of touching. I mean – he could be cooking and I’ll wander over and latch and snuggle into his back. At the same time, he could have a hot pot in his hands. Most of the time, I don’t bloody realise I am doing this. I am, however, trying to get better and aware of situations.

I love hugs, kisses, and loves. I loved to touch and be touched. I love when we shower together, I love to wash him. I love to look after him. I love when he washes my hair and strokes my face when I have a headache and can’t sleep. I do often struggle to explain my feelings in words and prefer to use my body instead to express them. And this is where the pain ties in.

an image of me holding my metal collar for a post about intimacy and pain

We have not been as active from BDSM perspective as we once were. I am sad to write those words but it is the truth. As our children get older, those noises are no longer able to be brushed off as something else. So our time as Top and bottom (I feel we have moved away from the Dom/submissive titles – even though we are still both, the titles themselves I feel are no longer us) is very much limited and it is a lot of the reason why I self inflict pain now.

I do wonder if I would still be able to take the bashing I once was? I do think if you leave long periods of time between impact play, the body starts to heal over that barrier you had once built up. I feel I need to rebuild that barrier back up again slowly and let my skin get thicker so I can I am able to take the pain I once was. Or maybe that is just me? I used to feel weak because of it, in fact I would nearly feel I wasn’t a proper masochist because I would come so close to tapping out but my OH knows my limits and I never have needed to. I feel myself wishing I needed to as I write this post. I miss our impact play sessions so much. It has been so long now I wonder if we will ever properly get back to being what we once were.

We still play – our impact weapons of choice often appear, though of late, I prefer my OH’s hand more than anything. I very much believe this is down to it making our playtime more intimate. It is just us. Nothing only bare flesh touching each other. The heat from his body radiating through mine.

 

 

Read more about our BDSM journey here 

lsb

 

 

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2 Comments

Jae Lynn January 13, 2020 at 2:52 am

I get what you mean feeling like you have to start over on the pain scale. We go so long in between impact play and depending on when my hormones decide to go a little nuts affects the amount of pain I can take.

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May More January 13, 2020 at 9:23 am

” I still get on his wick though ”
I have not heard that expression since my Mum used to use it many years ago – (she died in 2010)
I understand about losing that ability to tolerate pain. I feel the same as working hard and financial stresses has reduced our play too. But I love a hand spanking and I think things like impact play ebb and flow – as your children get older and are out more there will be time enough I think.
I too and not very touch appropriate – the hot pan scenario resonated with me lol
xx

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