Please note that the conversation you read below is between a couple together over 12 years, where consent is a given and each other’s boundaries are known and respected.
Lying in bed post-sex, basking in the last few ripples of my orgasm, I leaned over and said “sorry but I have to admit I just used you so I could get a good night’s night sleep”. “Well” he replied smugly, “I don’t feel violated”. “Good” I said and “thank you for my orgasm”. I leaned over and gave him a good night kiss and he took my fingers and entwined them in his.
Ironically he started to snore while my mind raced and I started to think about the prompt for this week’s wicked Wednesday, Apologies. I grabbed my phone and started typing this post.
It has been a hard summer and I have make no lies of that. I am as transparent on my blog as I can be. I had less sex, I didn’t take part in any sexy BDSM stuffs and overall, I was miserable and my poor little blog suffered because of it. And I guess this boils down to me not being able to produce content without actually doing what I am writing about.
Still lying here, I think about who I am and what I do?
I am a blogger, a writer, a photographer and a reviewer… Do I really need to add sexy stories to that list too? My mind tells me to be accepted I do and I am telling it to fuck off because I don’t.
I am sick of apologising for who I am and what I don’t do. Silly but because the sex blogging community I am part of is dominated by erotica writers I feel I am constantly apologising for not being one.
I can’t write fiction. Which in one way is a good thing? What you read in my blog has happened, I can’t make it up. Sometimes I do wish I could…For one, my review backlog would be gotten through quicker and there would be a lot more posts on my blog. But I can’t. Attempts I have made to write sexy… well if there was ever a need to make someone unaroused then I guess my attempt at sexy writing could be used for that, I jest. It’s not *that* bad…. but it will never see the light either.
Please don’t feel reading this that it is you, or you, or even you that makes me feel this way because it is not. It is me. It is my painfully over-thinking brain that never shuts off and always makes me feel like I am not good enough.
I feel my fire is back. That feeling I get in belly has returned and I am looking forward to 2020 as a blogger who believes in themselves and stops second-guessing everything. I plan to kick its ass.